The Salt Line, Vol. 20: A Bigger Barge, a Robot Named Penny, and 47 Million Reasons to Practice Free Throws
Welcome back to The Salt Line, volume 20, filed on the Fourth of July while the whole coast smells like lighter fluid and ambition. America turns 250 today, which means every headline this week was legally required to involve fireworks, and most of them delivered. Let’s get into it.
🎆 Pensacola Ordered the Large
Crews spent Friday loading a bigger-than-ever fireworks barge for Pensacola’s Fourth of July show, because when the country turns 250 you do not send out the regular barge. You send out the big barge. I love everything about this. Somewhere there’s a procurement officer who got to write “MORE FIREWORKS — LARGER VESSEL” on an official form and have it approved, and that person is living the American dream harder than any of us tonight. Thousands will line the waterfront to watch a boat whose entire job is to explode on schedule. Happy birthday, America. You look great for 250.
🦝 The Wahoos Have Been Rained On, Literally and Figuratively
The Pensacola Blue Wahoos endured a 1-hour, 26-minute rain delay Friday before falling 4-1 to the Rocket City Trash Pandas — their third straight loss, coming right after a 16-6 marathon defeat in which they gave up what the recap gently calls a “big inning.” Sixteen runs. To a team named after raccoons that eat garbage. Regular readers know I have chronicled this club’s suffering for months now, and at this point I’m less a satirist and more a hospice worker. The Wahoos started Thursday’s game hot, loaded the bases in the first inning, and then the universe did what the universe does. Hang in there, fish. The rain can’t fall forever. (Meteorologically speaking, in July, it can.)
🤖 Press One to Speak With Penny, Who Does Not Take Lunch Breaks
The City of Pensacola is soft-launching an AI operator named “Penny” to help answer 3-1-1 calls, which means artificial intelligence has officially reached the pothole-reporting layer of government. I have questions. Does Penny get tired? Does Penny sigh when the forty-third person this week calls about the same missed trash pickup? Penny does not. Penny is beyond sighing. Penny will outlast us all, patiently logging complaints about street lights while the rest of us melt in the July heat. I’d make fun of this harder, but honestly, an operator who answers on the first ring is the most futuristic thing to happen to local government since the laminator.
🏫 Gulf Shores Built a High School That Costs More Than the Fireworks Barge
AL.com got a look inside the new $131 million Gulf Shores High School — 287,000 square feet, room for 1,000 students, two years in the making. One hundred thirty-one million dollars. For context, that is a high school that costs roughly as much as a mid-tier superhero movie, except this one has a graduation rate. Kids on this stretch of coast are going to attend a school nicer than most airports I’ve flown through, and I genuinely can’t decide if I’m jealous or proud. Both. It’s both. Meanwhile my high school’s biggest amenity was a vending machine that accepted exact change only, and we were grateful.
🏀 Local Kid Signs Deal Worth Approximately 47 Million Snow Cones
Pensacola native Mitchell Robinson has agreed to a three-year, $47.4 million contract with the Boston Celtics, which is the kind of hometown news that makes every dad on the coast say “I remember when he was just a kid” whether or not they have ever met him. $47.4 million. That’s enough to buy the fireworks barge, the big one, and still have money left over for a very nice condo with covered parking. Congratulations to Robinson, to Pensacola, and to every youth basketball coach in Escambia County who is absolutely adding this to their motivational speech rotation starting Monday.
🍅 The Tomatoes of Lillian Are Having a Moment
Over in Lillian, business is booming at Cassebaum Farms as beachgoers and locals stock up on homegrown produce for their holiday tables. This is the most wholesome economic indicator on the entire Gulf Coast: the farmers market is slammed. Forget the Dow. Forget housing starts. When tourists are voluntarily leaving the beach to go buy tomatoes from a farm stand, the regional economy is healthy and so, frankly, are the tomatoes. Get there early, though — nothing moves faster on July 3rd than a flat of homegrown produce with a holiday cookout on the line.
That’s your week, Gulf Coast. The barge is loaded, the robot is answering phones, the tomatoes are gone, and somewhere out on the water tonight, 250 years of independence goes up in smoke on purpose. Wear the sunscreen, tip the farm stand, and spare a kind thought for the Wahoos.
— Chris
